MAHESH SHARMA

Writing

 

Black jokes

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?

“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?” she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.

He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, getting harpies that why I am here!”

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.” Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that the man opens his robe and she ex-claims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture.” He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me...” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

“Put two fingers in...”, she says. So in goes another one.

She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!” The guy’s like, “Ok!”

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!” So the guy puts both of his hands in!

“Now clap your hands...” commands the girl. “I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”

A dog, a cat, and an organ are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!”

The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.” The organ outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!”

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earth-worm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five rupees you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five rupees, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five rupees.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five rupees.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

“Who was it?” he asked.

“My husband,” she replied.

“I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?”

“Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you.”

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.”

A woman and her little boy were walking thro-ugh a park and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mom-my, what are they doing?”

The lady responded, “They’re making a sandwich.”

Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.

A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother & father and said “Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!”

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old girl. She said “Santa, will you stay with me?” Santa replied, “Ho Ho got to go, got to go, got to deliver these toys to good girls and boys.”

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked “Santa, now will you stay with me?”

“Ho Ho got to go, got to go, and got to deliver these toys to girls and boys.”

She takes off everything and says “Santa, now will you stay with me?”

Santa replies “Got to stay, got to stay, and can’t get up the chimney with my organ this way!”

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Mumbai. You can earn Rs. 6000 for a night job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you...I want to see how you survive on Rs. 12000 a year!”

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his friend, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His friend said, “I have an idea - why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she’ll probably be thrilled.” So the fellow did. The next day his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His friend asked. “Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

Dirty Little Raja is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

“Yeah teach?” he replies.

“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.

Raja answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is going to make them all fly off.”

“No, Raja, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking.” the teacher responds.

“Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you. There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlour, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee Raja, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”

Raja replies “No teacher, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!”

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes.

The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she could not because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, “Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?” The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, I think he’s too far in.”

One day a servant girl goes to her boss, “Boss, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it.”

The boss replies, “Only if you suck my organ.”

The girl refuses but says, “Please boss, I really want to go to the movies.”

The boss says again, “Only if you suck my organ, then I will take you.”

Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes “Eewwww, it tastes like shit!”

So the boss says, “Yeah, your mother wanted to go to the movies too.”

Mukesh just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. Mukesh decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, Mukesh decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands were raised. Mukesh then asks how many had sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands were raised.

After Mukesh polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.

Mukesh noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To Mukesh’s dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, “Tonight’s the night!”

One day Mr. Ratana, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Karan, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Mohan or July will have to be laid off.” Karan looked at Mr. Ratan and said, “July is my best worker, but Mohan has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Karan waited for his employees to arrive. July was the first to come in, so Karan said, “Jully, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Mohan off and I don’t know what to do?” July replied, “You’d better Mohan off. I’ve got a headache.”

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man’s face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”